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Episode 177
<-- Previous Episode | [[Episode 178|Next Episode -->]] Length: 2:32:14 Hosts: Alex Kate Matt Mitch Guest: Krissy Diggs Intro: Kung Fury 2. Furher outhacked Fury's time and resources transferred the fury to Random Assault to fight Hitler. They got zapped and bit by a Viper. Jason Canning is Hasslehoff. Triceracops fights Laser Raptors. Hitler wants to transport Fury back to Auschwitz. 2 Kung 2 Furious Content Covered: *Centralia Pennsylvania *Vanilla Ice (Alex thought it was catfood, it's not) Notable Facts: Funny Stories and Quotes Alex *Why is John Cena a big joke? **Matt - He's Hulk Hogan. *You're a big pus. **Matt - I am. **Krissy - Pu-say! Pu-say! Sorry. *My parents hated me, so I liked wrestling. (Matt) *Matt's a 50 year old. **Matt - I'm 14 in my mind. *DOS back in the day every protagonist rocked Fuchsia. **Mitch - You can mock that all you want but Commander Keen rocked that shit. **Krissy - Duke Nukem was a fuchsia rocker. *I went to Centralia Pennsylvania. It was hell. I went to a Burger King. 3 people weren't wearing shirts. Houses were held together by chicken wire. Floor carpet was stapled to the roof of a house. Duplex were together but they were from different houses. *I work at the place where you run out of jokes. **Matt - The Gamestop Warehouse. **Alex - Yes I work at the Gamestop Warehouse and Vanilla Ice stopped by. **Matt - That's where he feels most at home surrounded by garbage. *Coworkers are like AWWW! Vanilla Ice! I'm like I'm doing my job. *I do not like you Mitch. I do not like your words. I do not like how your brain functions and works and coincides with your mouth. *Fucking jokes, fucking fuck you. *Was there a time I screamed Super Sonic Racing in a pillow? *Cough your balls off. **Krissy - Excuse me, their chest balls. **Alex - Speaking of chestballs let's talk about your art. **Matt - We're the king of segways. **Krissy - Ass kiss away. *We have this insane continuity. It's us cranked up to 11. *Goddamn you and your R.L. Stein quotes. We badmouth you all the time, except now because you're here. (Krissy) **Mitch - You badmouth my reviews all the time. Did I make it? **Alex - No **Matt - How many whole dollars are you making on Patreon Mitch? **Mitch - $5. **Alex - Woo! **Krissy - That's better than me. *How much we hate ourselves is reflected by how much we hate everyone else. *I'm going to tell Krissy about Too Much Semen guy. **Matt - Alex said Netflix and chill but when I came over there was no TV. *Las Vegas gets so much sex. **They need to look at a normal person to jerk off. *Muskspread. **Matt - That's what I do. That's what all Jersians do. *Give a tip on how to get a black girlfriend. **Krissy - Be you and be tall. **Mitch - And eat ass. **Krissy - I can't confirm or deny but you can't be afraid to talk to a black girl. **Matt -She's down with the swirl. **Mitch - We only fuck to Can you feel the sunshine. **Alex - So white when you fuck it looks like she's going really fast. *When I worked at Dunkin Donuts they asked me to be a manager. I was like fine, I make more money and I basically manage the place anyway. To make it official you have to go to Dunkin Donuts University. Absolutely not. McDonalds University, Wal-Mart University you don't hear about it because no one wants to admit it. (McDonalds University is Hamburger University) *Mitch is the bad gay. Not a Curtis cool gay. **Kate - He's a bug chasing HIV positive homo gay. **Alex - He's the stereotype a weird insectoid gay. **Mitch - If you wake up in the middle of the night and hear a person trying to stay still. **Kate - Apparently you're a ghostly faggot. *We had to destroy it before it ended. **Kate - I'm proud to be part of this. (The first of proud of being on the show from Kate?) Kate *Everybody likes porn. **Alex - For our jerkoff quiz we implemented phantom points. *Perspective. Mitch likes Sonic and ska music. **Krissy - Do you wear a fedora? **Mitch - My mother wouldn't buy me one. *Wrong runs in Mitch's family. Matt *There was a wrestling Gran Wizard. **Krissy - Not that kind of wizard. **Matt - No he has a Turban. **Alex - Why was his signature move the white power bomb? *Back then, people thought wrestling was real, they really thought wrestling was real. **Krissy - Are you telling me it's not real? **Matt - I don't want to ruin. Anyway John likes Gundam. **Mitch - So garbage tier anime. **Matt - Not your unheard bullshit anime. **Alex - Like (high pitch) Gurann Lagann! *Chyna did a porn with 2pac. **Krissy - What? **Alex - She fucked a hologram. *Uncharted 47 and Halo 622. *Gamestop pulled the trigger on selling old games. They sent a lot of games to a warehouse and now they will sell for absorbent amounts of money. **Alex - We should find the warehouse. **Matt - And ransack it. **Mitch - We can build another section of the Skyscraper Mansion. **Krissy - It's all ET. **Mitch - Technically we live in a landfill. **Krissy - Jersey? **Matt - I'm from Chemical Plant Zone. **Mitch - Pink water and awesome music. *I know he's the president of Domino's Pizza but what happened to that guy? I know he's actually the president of Domino's Pizza but I want him back. He's got a big carboard cutout of Hatsune Miku to remind him of his shame. **Mitch - You open the double cherry oak doors to his office. Hello I'm Scott of Domino's pizza. Have you heard of Hatsune Miku? **Matt - I point to the cardboard cutout. **Mitch - They got an English white super chubby president of Domino's Pizza to do a Japanese commercial. **Alex - He has no idea what to do. **Mitch - If you want to see a man who looks like a Republican presidential candidate talk about a Japanese pop idol watch that video. *I took to bitstrips because I wanted to see how to abuse the power. I could stretch my face where I looked like the Pokémon Shield face. **Mitch - You could rotate bodies out of order with my head popping out of your chest like an alien but you turned me around like you were shitting me out. **Krissy - The whole purpose was to be creative. **Alex - That's why it died. **Matt - Because I used it. **Mitch - Assholes like us abused it to make the most vile shit. One where I'm crying in the alley and Matt's just sticking a gun in my ass. **Krissy - I want to see it because it's creative. *Because of my big fucking mouth I stay off twitter. **Mitch - Did you say twitter exists to get people fired? **Matt - Yes. **Alex - There was a guy stuck in traffic. PR guy for Chrysler. Tweeted I'm amazed Detroit is called Motor City but no one can fucking drive. He said it on the Chrysler account and not his personal account. He got fired on the spot. He was called minutes later. *MAGFest forever. **Krissy - I still like Spoony. ***Matt - .............................................(So fucking mad right now but quiet) *I take no responsibility for my actions. **Alex - I take no responsibility for my actions fuck all you people! **Kate - I will never live down the time you told me not to say faggot on the show. **Matt - I did care now I don't because the No Fun Police are out in droves. *I want to beat up my past self. **Mitch - Matt I need to be punched in the face so I know it's not the end of the world. I would fight you if I knew it wouldn't end in Snugglefucking. *Don't let your memes be dreams. **Kate - They're dead when your parents post it. **Mitch - Hollywood is trying to harness the power. **Matt - What scared me was Luigi Death scare. Seeing it on morning news. I got really scared. **Kate - When memes and news come together, it's over. They think 4chan is a hacker. Don't realize it's a what and not a who. *Dinosaurs are a social construct created by homosexuals. **Krissy - The homosexual agenda. **Kate - To drive people away from god. **Alex - There was one religious girl. She said it doesn't make sense. Wouldn't the dinosaurs eat all the humans? **Mitch - Then you fucked her, took a picture and tried to get rid of it on the Wii. **Alex - To be fair I did 3 of those 4 things. **Kate - In the documentary Jurassic Park that did happen. Checkmate atheists. **Mitch - We spared no expense Jesus. **Alex - Raptor Jesus. (When extinct for our sins) *You haven't lived until your beard tickled your asshole. Mitch *The John Cena theme song? **Matt - Yes the John Semen theme song. **Alex - John Semen? **Krissy - John Semen? I'm not familiar with that one. **Alex - You can't semen me. **Matt - You can't semen him. **Alex - Goddamn it, Random Assault episode 177. **Matt - You couldn't get a more perfect introduction to us with one mistaken slip of tongue. **Krissy - It's perfect. it's going to be a meme. Just you wait. **Mitch - Someone is going to do it 10 years down the road and it's going to be on T-shirts. **Krissy - I'll design the shirts. **Alex - You're going to turn on us that fast? **Krissy - Yes. **Matt - I wouldn't expect anything less. Episode 177 God help us all. *I can't words how the description happens so people don't things in their brain happens. **Matt - Stop Talking. **Alex - This is why the tagline of the show is shut the fuck up Mitch. (13:00-13:13) *You got to be careful. Some of these indie games aren't games. *Everyone needs a gimmick these days. **Alex - Our gimmick is we're bad. *Matt's become the mask and hates all videos except you and JonTron. *I met Doug Walker. **Matt - Fucking dickhead. I talk a lot of shit okay. Next time I see you Mitch, I'll punch you in the mouth. *Kyle from Shoddycast was like let's check the host page. Matt's page has swastikas. **Krissy - Oh no. **Matt - Just that one time. **Mitch - Maybe a bad apple and he goes on to my page. It's Hail Satan! *I was raised in a house full of estrogen. **Krissy - I knew there was something special about you in the sound of your voice. **Matt - Man all the black women like you Mitch. **Krissy - I love it. **Kate - You're going to end up like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. (all agree it wasn't great movie super hyped back in 2004 a pre meme movie before memes were called memes) **Kate - I argued it was funny because it was not funny. **Mitch - I'm 98 pounds but if you wear a Vote for Pedro shirt I will give you a swirly. *Why does Hotkinkyjo shove all those basketballs in her pussy? (Correction it was her asshole and it was 7.) *Could you wear a gimp suit at the next MAGFEST? **Matt - Thought about it. We should be the 2 guys from Mad Max 2. You can be the fuccboi. Krissy *I am known on the internet by 500 people. *It's hard talking in front of a camera. **Matt - That's why we don't. **Alex - We can't even speak in microphones. **Matt - Yeah. John Semen. **Alex - One joke, 3 hours. **Matt - It can't be the name of the banner. You're welcome Alex. *I'm a girl that likes videogames. **Matt - What? **Krissy - It's an elaborate CGI hoax. *I am not cool. Do not construe anything from this conversation. I am not a cool person. **Alex - Bullshit you just came back from a music festival. **Krissy - That doesn't make me cool. There was some uncool people. **Alex - Were they wearing Lederhosen and some shit? **Mitch - I like how you said music festival and Alex mind jumped to Lederhosen. Have you heard my electro polka band? **Krissy - No I have not. **Mitch - It doesn't exist. **Krissy - You got me awfully excited. God. *I go into a gas station. There's Amish people that just stare. I don't think they saw a black person before. Maybe especially a black person with blonde hair. **Mitch - I was at Wawa's and 45 people came out of a white van. I'm trying to park! **Matt - The Amish secretly have warp technology. They pretend to be Amish to hide their actually aliens. **Alex - They have beards to hide the tentacles. **Krissy - Oh my god, you're on to something. *I like to not be a waitress as a short term goal. **Matt - I can't see how to wait on people. Such assholes treating waiters and waitresses as garbage. **Krissy - It will make you hate people. Awesome party saying how good you did. $480 check and they tipped me $10. **Alex - What the fuck?! **Krissy - Those situations want to crawl in a corner and cry. **Krissy - An evangelical convention. Fake $100. You think you got a $100 but fake. **Alex - DUDE THAT'S FUCKED UP! **Krissy - I can't pay my bills with good words from the lord. I can't take that to my landlord. **Matt - People with the most money can't tip shit, **Krissy - I have so many horrible server dreams. No this should be fun not about work. **Alex - Yay! Talk about work! *Hi Kate. Are you a boy? **Kate - No. Not anymore. **Matt - Our resident tranny. **Krissy - Good for you. **Alex - We're a hateful podcast that has a black women and a tranny on the show. *I like videos I'm a visual person. **Kate - Chans are good for web porn. (1:34:00 beginning of the porn talk) **Mitch - I agree. **Krissy - I go on xhamster. **Matt - That's amateur hour. **Krissy - Whatever. **Mitch - Don't knock **Alex - xhamster got diversity. **Matt - You got Pink Dino and you got Video One. **Mitch - Don't go on 8chan. **Krissy - Xxxxvid? The blue one? **Matt - Keep in mind the ones I named are all ones I moved on from. **Mitch - Is there like a glacier that has special subgenres of porn? **Kate - You see porn on google images and one of them is a car crash. **Krissy - Back in the day looking up porn it was section in minute clips. **Matt - The first I went to was the Hun. It was a yellow page with links of text. You didn't know what you're going to get. **Mitch - Got a lot of Trojans. **Alex - My first porn was steak and cheese it was the same thing. **Matt - You've been fucking sandwiches. **Alex - Then I saw gore. Where am I? I got to put myself away. **Mitch - Hentai games on newgrounds. **Matt - Sounds like baby bullshit to me. **Krissy - I had to use the family PC for porn. (1st PC Alex and Matt at 16) **Kate - I was smart about this. I looked up banner ads because they wouldn't show on history. **Matt - Did any of you get good with the PC just trying to hide pornography? **Mitch - Labryinth of folders to other folders that lead to one. **Alex - I do that too! I have 1 folder with 400 folders and 1 leads to the porn. **Kate - I have a folder on my desktop with a folder with gigs called porn. **Alex - (Catfood) It took 4 hours of work. (Wii porn horror background story) *Are you Canadian? **Kate - Yes Krissy, I'm sorry. *I know my animu. *My friend Bethany has huge knockers. **Alex & Matt "HOLY SHIT" **Alex- That's Scorpion! *The first thing that comes up of me is a picture of my ass. Category:Episode Category:Alex Category:Kate Category:Matt Category:Mitch Category:Guest